Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I Trust You, God

My to-do list seems to grow longer and longer each day with support raising, arbitrary errands, and standard move-out procedure. The difficult part of it is, I feel like at the end of each day I haven't accomplished anything. It's been extremely discouraging and I had a few moments within the last few days where I really had to take time to be with God and give all of my frustrations and doubts to Him.

As a senior in high school, I wasn't a believer yet, but I remember being moved by the testimony of a young woman who struggled financially through college. She said that when money got especially tight and she didn't know where her next meal would come from, she would look in the mirror and say, "I trust you God, I trust you God..." five times. Sometimes she would say it quickly, sometimes she would draw out her words slowly and intentionally, but each sentence was a proclamation of faith that would be the foundation of where she put her hope. When I first came to Christ, I put this routine into practice, shaky and uncertain, staring into the mirror and telling God that I trusted Him.

Today, there may be more "Christian-ish" stuff that I do to grow closer to God (Bible study, journaling, prayer, fellowship, etc.), but I most definitely still have genuine moments of desperation where I cry out to the Lord. I feel like I am telling God and reassuring myself that God is the only one I trust completely and totally. It seems so juvenile, but it really isn't. You should try it sometime.

I trust you God. I trust you God. I trust you God. I trust you God. I trust you God.

Yesterday was a full day, and it was full of what I love to do best: be with people. I had the opportunity to spend time with my roommate's younger sister, reconnected with some amazing girls from Navigators (future roomies!), met up with a girl who has a wonderful and sweet spirit who will be staying with us for a few weeks (yay!!), and ate dinner with my roomies/Intersection kids/friends of olde. Oh yes, I also had a "skype date" with my gentleman caller (I stole that phrase from my future roomate). Although it was a lovely day, I didn't get to spend as much time on support raising stuff as I would have liked. In turn, I felt guilty throughout the entire day that I wasn't making appointments and writing letters the whole time. It really made me realize that in order for me to have the freedom to do ministry and spend the quality time with God and with other people, I'm going to have to buckle down and get this support raising stuff done. Sigh...

Support raising has been difficult. I have yet to see the fruit from my labors. In a way, it has been super encouraging because a lot of the people I have met with have agreed to be on my prayer team to support me in that way. I have also had the chance to reconnect with old friends and share my life with them and vice versa. However, I'm still in a position where I have to trust God even though it doesn't look like I'm where I'm supposed to be. (I keep getting the attack, "Jackie, if you were supposed to do college ministry, the money would be coming in easily.") Well, I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I just need to continue to be persistent, consistent, and faithful.

"The Lord is my strength and song; and he has become my salvation." -Exodus 15:2

1 comment:

  1. You are such an encouragement to my little heart, beautiful Jackie!

    Thank you for sharing your heart and thoughts.

    I love you, and I will be praying for you today. Be strengthened and encouraged in the knowledge that this life is but a breath, and soon He will come and bring His Kingdom to dwell here with His Bride, so that we can be with Him forever--where all things are new and right. He is your provision and He is fighting for you. He hears your proclamation of trust. These little proclamation move His heart in violent ways. He loves that you chose Him over and over again. Your heart pleases Him. Your reward is coming, and will not disappoint you (Gen 15:1).

    Grace and peace to you in abundance, my dear friend. :)